Trying to Put 2018 in Words...
2018 was nothing like I could have ever imagined.
As I've been reflecting lately, on this past year, I've felt a weird sense of sadness about letting it go. And I'm not going to lie, I've felt a little disappointed in myself, because I honestly didn't accomplish many of the goals I set for myself this year. This year definitely took me for an unexpected ride, and I'm still trying to sort through it all.
The first six months of this year were a dream. I will forever hold those months as some of the best of my entire life. I honestly feel like I was living a dream. The last few months of my Senior Year were pure magic. I knew who my friends were. I knew my spot. I knew who I was, most importantly. And I knew what made me happy. I was so happy. This rolled into the summer and I made some incredible memories with my friends. We had so much fun.
And then all the fun wore off, and I was left feeling more empty than I think I've ever felt. I think the fact that I was actually graduated finally hit me. And it left me feeling numb for a lot of days. The rest of the summer dragged on, and the days were uncomfortably long, and many nights were spent crying. I knew nothing would be the same, and I also felt stupid for missing high school so much, that I didn't really talk to anyone about it. To say I felt alone, would be a massive understatement.
Then life got busy, and don't get me wrong, I've had some very happy moments scattered through these past six months. Tender mercies have been all around, and believe me, I couldn't be more grateful for my Savior for looking out for me. But more than not, I feel like I've had to fake the happiness, which is something I worked so hard last year to stop doing.
Life quickly became so busy, that I was forced to push all of my uneasiness under the rug. I got an awesome job, which I truly love, but it can be pretty emotionally demanding some days. I go to college now, which is really rewarding, but I take more than a full load, which is all kinds of demanding. My best friend moved away, and I feel stupid for saying it, but it is so hard not having her close by. I so miss her car being in front of my house, and studying with her, and our free period together, and being able to drive to her house in 5 minutes, and taking walks together. I have a hard time opening up to anyone anymore, because she was my go to gal. She just understood, and I miss that. I've spent so much time alone these past six months, it's been hard to find lasting friendship.
So much has changed, and so many good things have happened as well. I've met some really good people in college, and I absolutely adore my students and the time I get with them.
I just can't help but feel like I lost myself these past few months. I'm unsure of who I am right now. Because lately I have been selfish and not nice and prideful and unhappy. And that is a very different girl than the one just six months ago who knew who she was and what made her happy.
In 2019, I'm making a promise to myself, that I will find myself again. The happy one, who loves other people, and is loud and not afraid to be herself. Because I miss her.
I wanna leave you with one last thing. I saw a quote today that said, "The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride; and really, isn't it a wonderful ride? Enjoy it! Laugh about it! Sing about it!". It's not about only thanking the Lord for our good happy times. It's about thanking Him for the empty, lonely, dark ones too. So here is my shout of gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful for the first six months of the year, and that I got to spend them with a genuine smile on my face and my best friends by my side. And I am even more thankful for these last six months. Because, sometimes, we have to get lost, to remember where we are really trying to go. And getting lost brought me back to my Savior, and my scriptures, and prayer. And maybe that was the only way I could have made it here. So I am closing out this year in gratitude. If your year was anything like mine, I hope you know you're not alone. God has a plan for your life. And the plan isn't always going to be smooth sailing. Through it all though, God really is so good.
As I've been reflecting lately, on this past year, I've felt a weird sense of sadness about letting it go. And I'm not going to lie, I've felt a little disappointed in myself, because I honestly didn't accomplish many of the goals I set for myself this year. This year definitely took me for an unexpected ride, and I'm still trying to sort through it all.
The first six months of this year were a dream. I will forever hold those months as some of the best of my entire life. I honestly feel like I was living a dream. The last few months of my Senior Year were pure magic. I knew who my friends were. I knew my spot. I knew who I was, most importantly. And I knew what made me happy. I was so happy. This rolled into the summer and I made some incredible memories with my friends. We had so much fun.
And then all the fun wore off, and I was left feeling more empty than I think I've ever felt. I think the fact that I was actually graduated finally hit me. And it left me feeling numb for a lot of days. The rest of the summer dragged on, and the days were uncomfortably long, and many nights were spent crying. I knew nothing would be the same, and I also felt stupid for missing high school so much, that I didn't really talk to anyone about it. To say I felt alone, would be a massive understatement.
Then life got busy, and don't get me wrong, I've had some very happy moments scattered through these past six months. Tender mercies have been all around, and believe me, I couldn't be more grateful for my Savior for looking out for me. But more than not, I feel like I've had to fake the happiness, which is something I worked so hard last year to stop doing.
Life quickly became so busy, that I was forced to push all of my uneasiness under the rug. I got an awesome job, which I truly love, but it can be pretty emotionally demanding some days. I go to college now, which is really rewarding, but I take more than a full load, which is all kinds of demanding. My best friend moved away, and I feel stupid for saying it, but it is so hard not having her close by. I so miss her car being in front of my house, and studying with her, and our free period together, and being able to drive to her house in 5 minutes, and taking walks together. I have a hard time opening up to anyone anymore, because she was my go to gal. She just understood, and I miss that. I've spent so much time alone these past six months, it's been hard to find lasting friendship.
So much has changed, and so many good things have happened as well. I've met some really good people in college, and I absolutely adore my students and the time I get with them.
I just can't help but feel like I lost myself these past few months. I'm unsure of who I am right now. Because lately I have been selfish and not nice and prideful and unhappy. And that is a very different girl than the one just six months ago who knew who she was and what made her happy.
In 2019, I'm making a promise to myself, that I will find myself again. The happy one, who loves other people, and is loud and not afraid to be herself. Because I miss her.
I wanna leave you with one last thing. I saw a quote today that said, "The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride; and really, isn't it a wonderful ride? Enjoy it! Laugh about it! Sing about it!". It's not about only thanking the Lord for our good happy times. It's about thanking Him for the empty, lonely, dark ones too. So here is my shout of gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful for the first six months of the year, and that I got to spend them with a genuine smile on my face and my best friends by my side. And I am even more thankful for these last six months. Because, sometimes, we have to get lost, to remember where we are really trying to go. And getting lost brought me back to my Savior, and my scriptures, and prayer. And maybe that was the only way I could have made it here. So I am closing out this year in gratitude. If your year was anything like mine, I hope you know you're not alone. God has a plan for your life. And the plan isn't always going to be smooth sailing. Through it all though, God really is so good.
Comments
Post a Comment